Sunday, 8 October 2017

from 2002: "Are you tearful?""No. I'm flat" [correct answer]; anhedonia

This was the usual script at psychiatrist appointments in 2002 after I had been put on, coercively drugged with, Risperidone in Lomond Ward, Stratheden psychiatric Hospital, springtime, which took away my agency and gradually made me clinically depressed.

1977 oldest son
I had experienced a menopausal psychosis, altered mind states at the change of life, in my 50th year.  It wasn't unpleasant, rather at times it was spiritually uplifting (I'm a Christian) however not getting sleep was a major problem as my mind became overactive and my body got tired.  So my two older sons took me into Lomond acute ward and I went in voluntarily, to be detained for 72hrs until I agreed to swallow the antipsychotic. 

I knew the score, having been a mental patient twice before, in 1978 and 1984, with pueperal psychosis, forcibly injected with Chlorpromazine, separated from my babies, had to stop breastfeeding, I still very much resent that, at 65yrs of age.  They stopped me feeding my child.  I'd breastfed my first son for 10 months until he got teeth.  It's a special bond between mother and baby.  Psychiatry invaded the space between my younger two sons and me, by interfering.  

my 3 sons c1986 taken in Perth on day out
My 3 sons were all forced out of me at childbirth, by nurses and doctors using oxytocin by drip to hasten the births, to deliver on the day shift.  Traumatic experiences, extreme pain during the labour of my younger two sons due to insufficient pain relief.  My reactive psychoses were forms of post-traumatic stress.  I got punished for externally expressing my distress by more drugs forced in when I resisted.  I determined to get off the drugs/meds within the year, making a full recovery, and so I did, getting back on with my life, without interference.

1998 with my 3 sons
In 2002 after the antipsychotic depressed me, unlike in earlier episodes where I just was left to get on with it, the psychiatrist put me on Venlafaxine antidepressant, which caused suicidal impulse and I swallowed a bottle of them, being rushed by ambulance to Ninewells Hospital, on oxygen.  

me aged about 11
Psychiatrist upped the dose to maximum despite my request to be put on a different antidepressant.  The "Are you tearful?""No. I'm flat" [correct answer] routine went on for a while and so he prescribed Lithium to "augment" the antidepressant.  Whatever that means.  Well it didn't do anything.  I was still flat as a pancake, couldn't sing, had very little sense of humour, was most unlike myself, and so I had to do something about it.  I had to take charge of my own mental health.

I didn't like being flattened.

1999 with my 3 sons at my middle sister's wedding in Fife; I was Maid of Honour
this summer on ferry to Rothesay with bike; day trip from Springfield, Fife

Published on Jul 27, 2017
"On the island, walking around Arinagour, from Tigh-na-Mara guest house, seeing Border Leicester sheep, at Church of Scotland, on way to An Cridhe for Barbara Dickson fundraising concert."

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