It's a no win situation trying to access crisis services when in mental distress. If you don't look distressed enough they will send you away to "get some rest". You might even try to organise a psychiatric assessment yourself but it's cancelled by the doctor who says you are well.
Then there is no option but to be taken into the locked unit under duress because the distress is mounting. You still have insight, maybe too much of it because you are still remembering what made you distressed and it seems like nothing can be done about it.
So they start pumping you full of different psychiatric drugs - haloperidol injections, olanzapine, sodium valproate, procyclidine, lorazepam, zopiclone. Eventually you go a bit doolally or psychotic, according to the clinical term. And this proves that you have schizoaffective disorder, giving them a reason to keep the drug regime going and even increase it if necessary.
The fact you have a spiritual faith also goes against you. Delusions they call it, hallucinations, paranoia, resistance to the ward regime. You are obviously mentally ill and have a brain disease. In the outside world it would be seen as normal, believing in God, but here in the twilight zone there is no room for another dimension except that of the psychiatrist's making and in the notes.
All the signs are that you are obviously mentally ill and requiring more treatment, detention and lessons in obedience. Only allowed to smoke/use mobile phones for 15mins in an hour, lining up with others to go out. No time out until you are asking for the drugs all the time and then they know you are getting better. And can be trusted.
You eventually become docile and unresisting, glad to have any and every drug that's given to you. The staff are happy. Your family might think that you have become a different person, quite unlike yourself, it's worrying, but what does their opinion matter? They'll be blamed for it all anyway, in the notes.
Poor parenting, mental illness runs in the family, difficult and demanding mother. Even though you are 34, are married and have worked full-time for the last five years, earning a good wage and supporting your family. It's always the family's fault, never the system's. "I am right, you are wrong" It's what they all say, the psychiatric professionals and their chums.
All conspiring to keep society under control while chaos forever lurks at every corner. But as long as the mad people are locked up the rest of us are safe. Aren't we?
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